Sunday, February 28, 2010

"Video Games"

Here, we have little Logan, 10 minutes into a new video game. "Wow, this looks awesome!"

In 20 minutes, the game appears to become challenging. "Okay, kinda tricky. No problem!"
40 minutes. Something has impeded our young hero's way through. Maybe it's an unbeatable boss. Maybe it's a barrage of enemies. Or maybe it's that code to the padlock that opens the door that you can't OPEN BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIND IT ANYWHERE AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL YOU'RE GOING BACK TO GAMEFAQS TO FIND...I degress.

An hour into it, his rage explodes. "WHAT THE F**K?!"

Half an hour later, our hero leaves, pissed off.

"You know what, SCREW this! I have way better things to do than this crap."

But in a matter of minutes, he's back and twice as pissed as the game just continues to crap in his face.

"F**KYOUF**KYOUF**KYOUF**KYOUF**KYOUF**YOU F**K YOU!"

It's midnight, and our boy's been playing games for three straight hours. His eyes are tired, his thumbs are numb, his ears are shot because of the rampant explosions.

That is, when something magical appears in his hand.

"Whu-where the hell did this 5 HOUR ENERGY (TM), which contains absolutely NO sugar or carbs, and offers 5 hours of energy without the crash of a regular energy drink, come from?"



HA HA! Corporate whoring.

"Meh, whatever."




Four hours later, our hero is high on the TOTAL, CRASH-LESS ENERGY AND STRENGTH THAT IS MOTHERF**KING FIVE HOUR ENERGY (TM)!!!!



But then, something catches his eye...

And he realizes...

Yes! After hours of strenuous, finger-strength building nothing, the fruit of his "labor" has come to this: the last boss to the last level.

"Okay, brain! I don't like you and I know you don't like me! You told me that with my Math test grade. But, I've got a video game that needs winning, so..."
"...you know, make brain work good for hand-fingers!" Our hero grunts his primal command.

We take a trip into Logan's brain.

Here, we see the Brain-Control Worm, who should totally be voiced by Will Arnett, hunched over the command panel. "Christ, you heard the lunatic..."

"All hands on deck! It's time to execute Plan 38B!"

Brain snaps up in shock. "(GASP) BUT SIR!!!"
The Worm angrily grabs The Brain. "LISTEN, you tubby little f**k. I don't want to hear any buts from you. The boss wants total concentration, and I willl guarantee he will f**king get it. We are getting a 38B!
NOW!!"
Brain sadly gives the command. "All hands at 38B positions."

Meanwhile, Logan violently clicks away at the controller...
...his hands violently bursting into flames after the high-speed, tedious fingerwork.

His eyes, scarred from ours of watching an all gray-brown-and-muzzle-fire screen, begin to dilate and expand until...
UNTIL...

POP!!!
"DAMN! There goes the eyes!"
The control panel explodes! The inside of Logan's body is beginning to fall apart faster than Rapture.

"That's it. I'm going up to check our status!"

The chaos inside of Logan's body is getting so bad, smoke is billowing from his ears.


The Worm pops out, gasping for air.


He searches in front, and then behind him.

"PUSH it, man!" The Worm cries out from above the ear. "We're almost there!"

"SIR, YES SIR!"
Meanwhile, Logan continues to play his game, concentrating on every corner of the room and every zombie in the room. His hands have now been reduced to bones. I did this because I thought it'd be fun to draw. I was right.

The Worm anxiously strains for a better view. "Almost..."

"ALMOST..."
"Come on, come on, oh CHRIST come on!"

And then...silence.

"Oh God..."

..."he DID it!"
Logan looks at his screen in frantic happiness. "I DID IT!"

Our victorious hero tosses his hands-I mean, bones- into the air. His virtually-hard-fought-battle has won.
"YEAH! I can't wait to tell Kenny how I kicked his high-score's a-"

Suddenly, a tingling sensation.

The Worm returns from the outside world. The Brain is petrified with a look of utter horror on his face. That same horrific look I drew the last few pages.


The Worm looks up and sees it. Something about to go bad. The two breathe in for what could be their last, "OH FU-"
The sheer force that Logan's body has exerted on this inside causes him to spontaneously combust. There were a bunch of things that were supposed to happen, like living turd cakes torpedoing out in little escape pods, or the internal organs going ballistic and stabbing at each other with ribs. There was even going to be a Mortal Kombat-style part with the lungs using Logan's spine as nunchucks, but I didn't draw that. Too lazy.

In the wake of this horrific destruction, the Worm looks up from his little space in the corner. "Status?"

The Brian looks up, half his face melted onto the panel. "Not sure, but we're alive. That's gotta count for something, I guess."


We see our...well, what's LEFT of our hero.

The ashes blink their eyes open in awareness.

He looks up to see his ruined bed.


Finally, he looks back, with a victorious smirk on his face, and proclaims, "Totally worth it."

-------------

-jmm